Our Trying to Conceive Journey
This post is to share my journey trying to conceive prior to getting pregnant. If you are trying to conceive and facing similar stress I hope this post can bring you peace. Regardless of my story, remember that God has a plan for you and it is a very good plan. Maybe his plan for you is different than his plan for me, but it is just as good, I can promise you that.
Thank you so much for coming to read today’s post about Our Journey Trying to Conceive. Most of my followers know that I am pregnant now and we are having a little girl named Ivy. What you don’t know about are the trials God brought us through before we got those two lines on a pregnancy test. This is Our Journey Trying to Conceive. If you have faced similar struggles in trying to start a family or continue to face struggles, please feel free to reach out in the comment section. I hope my honest and raw posts like this can really help others and help create connections with others as well. I know the journey can be hard but we don’t have to struggle alone!
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Our Journey Trying to Conceive
Trevor and I both knew we always wanted to have kids. Then like many couples, when we started trying to conceive we were surprised by how hard it really was. I don’t think our journey was as difficult as some. I’m thankful I never had to worry about getting hormone injections or anything like that. However, in those moments of trying to conceive my journey felt hopeless. It truly made me crazy every month just wondering if I could be pregnant. Wondering if it was finally our month. Then my whole world seemed to sink when a test came back negative or my period came. I want to share our story with you today though, not because it was sad but because God made it good. God met us where we were at and gave us comfort and peace. That’s the point of our story, God’s goodness is what I’m sharing today.
I have always wanted to be a Mom. God placed such a deep desire within my heart to be a parent and to raise my own children. You know how when you play the game Sims and you choose a life aspiration for your character. Well if I was a Sim my life aspiration would definitely be set to Family. Ever since I was a kid I loved babies. I remember being a little girl myself and always being drawn to babies, asking to hold them and play with them. When I was young and adults asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always had one answer. I want to be a mom and a housewife. That wasn’t something I was taught, it’s just a deep desire within my heart.
Despite my desire to be a mom, Trevor and I needed to be smart. Since we got married relatively young and were not fully established financially, we decided to wait. We wanted to wait a year or two but after about 10 months of marriage, we could not wait any longer. Maybe it was me or maybe it was him but baby fever swept in. Since we were not perfectly stable yet, we always prayed that we would only conceive if it was God’s will. I am so thankful we kept praying that prayer. I am so thankful that as much as I desperately wanted to get pregnant, I didn’t take it out of God’s hands.
A good friend of mine once said, “God doesn’t always answer our prayers when we want because it would be like giving a child a knife”.
If we would have conceived a baby when we first started trying, it would have been like a knife in a child’s hand. I’m going to share on this briefly now, but maybe someday I will write a longer post sharing our journey with addiction. At that time my husband had secretly relapsed on heavy drugs and alcohol. He had been using behind my back for months. Looking back the signs were there but I chose to be blind to them. I chose to believe the lies because I didn’t want our life to be that bad. We had been trying to conceive for at least 3 months while my husband was using drugs. Month after month I shed tears because we didn’t get pregnant. Since this was our first time trying to conceive, I assumed it would be easy. I started to wonder if something was wrong with my body. Little did I know that God was just protecting us. I am so thankful God’s will was done and not my own. My will would have been for us to be pregnant, but I couldn’t see the whole picture.
Trevor went to Maine for 6 months to a Christian program that helps men find freedom from their sin addiction. I was still in New York at that time and God worked on both of our hearts during our time apart. While Trevor was there he gave his life to Jesus. Prior to that, he knew who God was and even went to church with me, but he had never truly surrendered himself to the Lord. Long story made short, when he was done with that program we decided to move to Maine. With the Lord healing our marriage and providing stability for us once again, we decided to continue trying to conceive.
As we went through the trials of trying to conceive we continued to leave it in the Lord’s hands. Many times I struggled with this though. Although I would pray for God’s will I know my heart was still begging for my own will to be done. I wanted to see those two lines on a pregnancy test so badly that I didn’t care if it was God’s perfect timing. Sometimes I would even come to the Lord like a spoiled child and demand for him to give us a baby now. Can I tell you how loving our God is though? He didn’t punish me in those moments. I would sit there and cry at His feet saying things I shouldn’t say and by the end of my ranting and raving a sense of calm would come over me. It was like my Heavenly Father embraced me and just held me as I screamed and cried. Then as I swallowed my tears and calmed down I would once again be able to end my prayers with, “but I guess if it’s not your will I don’t want it now”.
We went on trying to conceive like this for about 6 months. Every month I rode the emotional roller coaster of wishing I was pregnant, convincing myself I could be, and then crying as my period arrived. I started to feel like a failure as a woman, as a wife. I started to wonder if it was even God’s plans for us to have a child at all. That thought scared me the most. I know it was hard for Trevor too. We would hang out with our friends who have a cute little boy and Trevor would leave saying how much he wanted one. However, unlike me, he was able to stay level-headed. He never seemed to doubt that we would be able to have a kid.
Once again I’m so thankful God’s will was done and not my own. I only saw the narrow picture of wanting a child. God had greater plans for us that I was completely unaware of. After 6 months of living in Maine, Trevor decided to join the army reserves. It was such an amazing decision and I’m so thankful he did that. It gave Trevor the sense of direction he needed and set him up for the career he has now as an electrician.
Obviously, we had to put starting a family on the back burner. Trevor had to leave for 4 months for boot camp and AIT. While he was there I stayed with my parents in NY. After 2 months I went to visit him for his boot camp graduation in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. We only had 2 days together and we did not spend it worrying about having a baby. We were just trying to soak up the time we had together because we knew once I left we’d have another 2 months apart.
When I got home I did wonder if I could be pregnant. However, as I began to obsess God intervened. Once again the Lord brought me to the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel, but this time it touched my heart in a new way.
Oh Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of your maidservant and remember me, and not forget your maidservant, but will give you maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life…” – 1 Samuel 1:11
Month after month I had been crying out for a baby as Hannah did. Then something changed in my heart. My longing didn’t go away, but my desire for God’s will trumped my hearts cry. I finally truly surrendered my desire to have a child to the Lord. I read the words that Hannah spoke and realized that any child I have is the Lord’s first. If God chooses to give us a baby it is His first, not my own. It was like a weight had been lifted from my chest and a new peace came in.
And she said, ‘let your maidservant find favor in your site.’ So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad. – 1 Samuel 1:18
I believed the Lord heard my prayer and I was able to let go. I did not have to grip my prayer with dear life and continue to scream it. The Lord heard my prayer, he remembered me, and I was no longer sad.
As I waited for my period that month, it did not come. It was only a day late when Mother’s Day came around. I felt the urge to go get a pregnancy test. Many other times I’ve felt that urge but I can tell you now that it was just a fleshly urge. This time I know the Holy Spirit was poking me to go get that test. As I drove to the store I knew in my core that our life was about to change. Since my family was at home I wanted to take the test at the store so I could have some privacy. As I sat in a stall waiting for my alarm to go off I continued to remember 1 Samuel. I continued to focus on God’s will and not my own. When the time was up I looked at my test, I finally got those two lines.
It gives me chills even now to think about how amazing God was and has been through our journey trying to conceive. The Lord heard our prayers and remembered us. I can just picture God smiling when Mother’s Day came around. It was finally the perfect timing for our family to grow, and what a gift it was to find out on Mother’s Day. God never gave in to my childish cries because His plan was so much greater. Today marks the start of my third trimester and I’m writing this while sitting in our new Town House we just moved into about a month ago. We’re back in New York now and Trevor has a job as an electrician. November 7th marks 3 years of marriage for Trevor and I. I can honestly say our marriage is in a great place and God continues to provide for us every day. I can’t say it enough, God is so good and His will is perfect. ♥
If you like lifestyle posts like this please make sure to leave a comment below. That’s how I know to keep making more of them. If you want more content like this right now, you may like the following posts:
Reflection on: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
7 Ways I Choose to Honor my Husband
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